Discipline & yoga

When we sidestep our practice, what are we trying to escape? This was the question put forth in Donna Farhi's book Bringing yoga to life.  The chapter about discipline brings up a very important memory of a recent incident with my six year old, Sophia. Let me preface this with, my daughter, Sophia is an extremely active and strong-willed child. Our power struggles sometimes escalate to the point of no return. Times where I wish I had more patience and understanding to have possibly handled the situation differently.  Afterward I would fall into despair over harsh words spoken. The guilt of possibly creating a rift in our relationship, or hurting her self esteem filled me with feelings of failure as a mother.  I wonder... how did this happen? How did we get here? Where is my sweet little girl. Where mommy used to do no wrong? She can push my buttons like no other being]. I remember my relationship with my mom and I shudder at the  thought of Sophia as a teenager.  I think I must instill her with love & confidence. I must nurture her leadership personality...not  break her little spirit. But what about my spirit? Doesn't it start there?

One particularly rough morning-we ended up in a heart-wrenching melt down. I went to work and felt awful and terribly guilty. I sometimes take a lunch time yoga class if my schedule allows.  As I looked at my schedule and realized I could fit it in that day, a little voice within said " you don't deserve to take a yoga class. You don't deserve to feel good.  How could you feel good at a time like this?  After you made you daughter feel terrible. It made me really ponder the idea of who is the yoga class for?  Why do I need this yoga class? 

I took the class, so I guess on some level I knew it was my ego trying to keep me from the awareness that my practice could help me heal myself, and my relationship with my daughter. This was such an awakening. I realized this is what Donna Farhi meant when she said  "When we can't or won't make time to practice what are we avoiding.  Usually we are trying to escape all the little demons that have set up shop in our minds & hearts (the ego) who are currently having a reckless fiesta party and the drinks are on us."

I learned a valuable lesson.  My practice is not a selfish or self-serving activity.  It contributes to everything and everyone around me. And if I practiced in the early morning like I always say I am going to do...Would that melt down have ever occured? Hmmmmm......interesting.